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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in rockrather's LiveJournal:

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    Saturday, December 18th, 2004
    12:26 am
    the world sees me through xray specs / where they speculate on all my little idiosyncracies / i can neither avoid this humiliation or avert my eyes from the horrors of being judged by ruthless scrutinizers / the gormandizers have nothing against me / it is the ones who are over-satiated with their own feeble lives who seek to hide in the shadow of my pitiful attempt at this life / they play it safe iside a shadow / my shadow. / i struggle against a force i can see but not defend against / i know they are coming for me and they are here and now / but i can do nothing but abide my shadow / and wait for a dawn not coming.
    Thursday, September 9th, 2004
    11:52 am
    Sarcastic Barbs
    Sarcastic barbs to be thrown to the chasm We all say what we want when we never intended it Or mean what we say when the time comes to count Disillusion into assimilation As you turn into the next person you see Who reminds you of your dreams Think, and breathe your own ideas Or seek to form your own Let all you are seep from you Demonstrative of an inner disease Drop dead so i won’t have to think of you In all your despicable indecency that i fell in lust with Completely distraught placation So i lose my mind as you Adumbrate Or i waste my time while we Altercate
    8:30 am
    the tragic drama continues to amaze..
    Maybe this weekend didn't go a planned. Let me rephrase that, this weekend went nothing as planned. 1) I didn't go to the concert. 2) I ended getting a little trashed at a friend's house. 3) Had slight indiscretions with a friend who hasn't called me or made any effort to talk to me since. 4) I cried when work ended for the summer; in front of friends, my bosses, and my ex-boyfriend. I felt like a horrible loser, tears cascading down my face as I tried to hide behind my hair.

    Oh bother...I want advice. Even fortune cookie ideas about life. So if you have any random advice for me or that you would like to throw out to the world...Comment on this post.

    Thanks...
    Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
    12:15 am
    Éibhleann (f) AYV len beauty; radiance Evlin; Ébliu; Éblenn; Éibhliu
    Ealadha (m) AL a ha art; craft Elatha
    Easnadh (f) AS na musical sound Esnad
    Líadan (f) LEE a dan grey lady Liadan; Líadáin; Líadain
    12:07 am
    Go raibh sámh agat, go raibh coisricthe tú le ghrásta síorcheannasach an eagna aerga.
    [May] serenity be at you, may you be blessed with everprevalent grace of ethereal wisdom.

    Pronounced: go ruv SAW ah-gut, go ruv kish-ric-heh too leh GRAW-stuh SEER-[k]hun-nus-uhk ahn awg-nuh air-guh.
    Saturday, August 21st, 2004
    10:59 pm
    as usual...the pigeons always find me
    Is is just me or am I a flaming loser? Obviously I'm not a flaming homosexual since I like guys way too damn much. Even that has gotten me no where, well, maybe it did get me somewhere, but then it brought me right back to my home state of delirium ( I think i wrote a song about that once...oh well, that's where I am) I've gotten used to being single, it's not that I'm desperate to have someone to share things with, I have Hannah for that (best friend and the cliched "confidant"...a.k.a Elaine and the vault, for all those seinfeld die-hards) It's that, when I do have a boyfriend, I feel really cared for on a level that my friends just can't give me. I feel wanted (shocking with my abysmal self-esteem) and cared for by someone of the opposite sex. And if I have a guy who I really get along with on a deeper level, then I can share...whatever, and he can do the same with me.

    I just want someone who understands all the twisted inner workings of my mind, knows my thoughts, feelings, my good and my bad, and loves me anyway. Is that a lot to ask for? I'm sure it is, and I'll probaly never get it. At least not to the extent I want it. Sure, there probably is a guy out there who gets me, but my guess is he's not hanging around Bellingham looking for me. Yeah pessimism.

    Anywise, to bring everyone up to date on my life thus far...
    My mom is buying the house we live in. Which means, I get to live in the basement. I don't get much more excited than this. I've always wanted to live beneath a house...must be the goth deep down inside. Not that I want to bury the dead under my floor. Heavens no. I just like the darkness and freedom of having, essentially, a giant living room. It also means I get to paint the walls black, then paint all my murals and random art over it. I finally get to have my studio down there too. Now all I need are decent art supplies (provided by all the money from my current job) Anyone want to donate to the poor art student? I'm also a poor college student if that makes you any more sympathetic. Just make the check out to Loser-Under-A-Puke-Green-House and I'm sure it'll find me.

    I also get to go to bumbershoot after work ends on the 3rd. I've never gone before (sad for me) and I get to party with a number of people I work with. Okay, so two people and one is my ex, but I'm excited all the same. One of my favourite bands is playing on the 4th (The Black Keys) and I get to party for roughly a week before classes start on the 14th. Frankly, I'm sick of sitting at home and moping while writing crappy poetry, eating stale Doritos, and staring at floral wallpaper. My life knows no bounds of suck...

    Unfortunately, it's found a new one. For some reason, when I signed on to be a lifeguard at a camp this summer, it skipped my mind that I would get tan. Duh, right? Well now I'm closer to being african american than the white pale girl you all new and loved. I have no idea how it happened. I used to be the whitest girl I knew, now I rival preps who go to tanning booths. How sad my life has gotten....

    Now that I've rambled for a good five minutes (mind you it took longer to type) I bid you all farewell and a pleasant sleep.

    Night...
    Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
    11:47 pm
    well......this is (insert adjective here)
    I NEED A MAKEOUT BUDDY!!!!!!!!! anyone interested?
    just kidding... now that matt and i are done (thank you god) i feel kind of alone. i know it will pass, eventually, but right now i just want someone to like me...like that. it feels childish to say like twice, i feel like i'm in fucking elementary school. and we all know how lame that is...yeah....
    oh, but there is good news! i got asked to a dance for the first time. albeit it was by a freshman whose girth is comparable to that of a twig, but it doesn't take away from my excitement! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
    okay...now that that's done with...

    i'm going to go now...(now that i've horribly embarassed myself)

    cheers, and goodnight!
    Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
    7:50 am
    bet you all knew this
    Take the quiz: "Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

    Pog mo thoin
    Pog mo thoin - 'Kiss my ass.'You're one tough bastard, and if anyone doesn't like it, they can kiss your ass. You enjoy fighting and causing grievous bodily harm. Hey! What are you lookin' at, punk?

    go bloody figure right?
    Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
    1:20 pm
    this isn't actually for anyone, it's so i can remember it
    life's shit
    they say it gets better but it won't
    can't be so optimistic
    don't waste your hope
    don't be shocked when they give you cue
    to hate it all and throw your life down the chute
    Monday, May 10th, 2004
    8:36 am
    looks the one thing i know i have none of...in comparison with that, i don't have much of anything


    How do you measure up?
    Username: 
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    City you were born in: 
    Intelligence - 56%
    Looks - 94%
    Success - 20%
    Net Worth $62,349,315.24
    This QuickKwiz by waywardpixie - Taken 30217 Times.
    </a>
    8:23 am
    the many reasons why i hate myself
    if inconsideration is the thing that pisses matt off, mine would certainly be the lack of communication coming from his side. let me rephrase that...either he tells me jack shitabout how's he feeling , or he lies about how he's feeling. i'm not a fucking psychic! if he didn't want me at his house all he had to say was leave and i would have gone, without any problem. i respect people and i try not to infringe on their rights/feelings...apparently i do a really shitty job at that. and now matt hates me. or at least i think he does. i know it's all my fault, too. i ended up talking to brad on saturday, probably way too long because we ended up talking about the fact that he likes me. matt had failed to mention to him that we were dating, and brad had a few ideas as to why that was...brad thinks matt's dating me out of spite or something like that to make brad feel like a retard. it makes me feel like i'm getting used. i'm honestly at a loss for what to do...i think matt's going to get rid of me...and somehow i don't blame him; i'd get rid of me too. the only problem with that is that i like matt, i really do...so now i really hate myself...i feel like i'm hurting the one guy i really care about right now. did i mention that matt heard from someone (probably brad) that i would go out with brad after matt and i broke up? if i even said anything close to being like that, i sure as hell don't remember it. and now matt wants to dump me because of it...terrific...another thing that bothers me about the whole thing is that i make a point of going outside and away from matt when i'm smoking. i know he doesn't like it, but for some reason he keeps coming to sit with me when i'm smoking...that i REALLY don't understand. it's like he's trying to find reasons for us to break up. he subjects himself to the smoke so that he can hate me...beautiful
    it's really kind of funny...because about a week ago i posted something here that said i don't think matt really lkes me...i fucking hate it when i'm right...he's still in love with jemma. probably always will be. and somehow i knew that i wasn't right for him. i don't give a shit if he's right for me...that never even crossed my mind.
    the really funny thing is that i still like him. i don't want to break up with him, to go out with brad or for any other reason. i just wish he would talk to me and ask me what was up...but it's matt and he's stubbourn and he won't...i wish he would though, fuck i wish he would

    right now, i really fucking hate myself ...
    matt, i wish you knew i had an lj, then without saying it, you would know the truth and even if you still want to break up with me...at least you would know what really happened, and the way i feel about you. but you don't know i have a lj, so you won't ever know all the things i'm feeling right now...but oh well, you hate me right now anyways...

    now that i'm in a state of despondency, i guess i'll talk to you guys later
    Saturday, May 8th, 2004
    11:33 am
    bloody hell...
    do you realize what an addiction lj's are?! you should have warned me before i became entangled... no whenever i'm thinking something, i'm always thinking how i would write it in my lj...now i have two addictions, smoking (nothing illegal!), and a bloody live journal...dammit kara!...

    bloody hell.

    Current Mood: devious
    Current Music: rage against the machine
    Friday, May 7th, 2004
    1:46 pm
    kevin is an ass
    1:16 pm
    blarg...
    i really hate when my life gets this way...i had to skate to get to school, which in itself isn't sucha feat, but when you couple it with my torn hip, it gets interesting...anywise, the lacrosse game is tomorrow at two i think, i hope to see you there kara! we gave you enough warning, so you better get your butt there!

    Current Mood: chipper
    Current Music: kevin's snoring
    Thursday, May 6th, 2004
    3:17 pm
    explains a few things...
    Enjoy the Silence
    by mrcoltrain
    user name?
    age?
    zodiac sign?
    never love-one who needs oral sex daily
    never trust -your parents
    you were meant to be -a NObody
    Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!


    Current Mood: excited
    Current Music: smashingpunpkins...but why? i don't even know
    2:42 pm
    there's no explaining it
    my friend troy is such a sweetheart! he's all worried about me this weekend, like i'm going to go out and do something stupid. albeit i am, so it's a valid problem, but i've never thought of inebbriation as someone else's problem. but from the week i've had, i'm gonna need it...
    11:26 am
    random poem written between classes
    why do i get this feeling
    that you're with me
    for homeostasis
    lonliness is to blame
    but you keep me at arm's reach
    i'm not allowed in or out
    of your mind
    at this point.
    prefference to be forgotten
    or ignored
    so i can feel whole once more
    without a million shattered pieces
    being offered but again
    ignored...
    11:21 am
    i fucking love surveys
    {x} Fallen for your best friend? yes
    {x} Made out with JUST a friend? yes, but for the record, i was drunk
    {x} Been rejected? yes
    {x} Been in love? yeah, but i try to forget about him
    {x} Been in lust? hell yeah, who hasn't?
    {x} Used someone? not that i'm aware of...
    {x} Been used? Yeah
    {x} Been cheated on? Yes
    {x} Done something you regret? Only one thing

    Who was the last person...
    {x} You touched? mariana
    {x} You talked to? librarian
    {x} You hugged? jamie lee
    {x} You instant messaged? matt and kara simultaneously
    {x} You kissed? matt
    {x} You yelled at? bob
    {x} You laughed with? mariana

    Have you/are you/do you...
    {x} Considered a life of crime? yes
    {x} Considered being a hooker? yes, but i was under the influence of poverty
    {x} Considered being a pimp? no
    {x} Are you psycho? sometimes...
    {x} Split personalities? yes but there's a long story behind that
    {x} Schizophrenic? no, but ask someone in the fbi, they're following me
    {x} Obsessive? no
    {x} Obsessive compulsive? no
    {x} Panic? no
    {x} Anxiety? not usually
    {x} Depressed? when i hate myself, then yes
    {x} Suicidal? not really
    {x} Obsessed with hate? no
    {x} Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? when the occasion strikes
    {x} Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? fuck yea!

    Are you?...
    {x} Understanding: yes
    {x} Open-minded: yes
    {x} Arrogant: no
    {x} Insecure: it happens
    {x} Interesting: is this a subjective question?
    {x} Hungry: a little
    {x} Friendly: always
    {x} Smart: i've been told so
    {x} Moody: not usually
    {x} Childish: no
    {x} Independent: for the most part
    {x} Hard working: not unless i get paid for it
    {x} Organized: uh, no
    {x} Emotionally Stable: yes
    {x} Shy: not normally
    {x} Difficult: i can be, but prove it dammit!
    {x} Attractive: not in my opinion
    {x} Bored Easily: sometimes
    {x} Thirsty: i could go for a bottle of mike's, but then again, i always could go for that
    {x} Responsible: sure
    {x} Sad: a little

    Do you…
    {x} Color your hair? yes
    {x} Have tattoos? not yet!
    {x} Piercings? yes and i did them all myself...it'd make any accupuncturist proud
    {x} Floss daily? sometimes...i forget to
    {x} Own a webcam? no
    {x} Ever get off the damn computer? yes
    {x} Sprechen sie deutsche? ja klar
    {x} Habla espanol? nein (see previous question)

    Currents
    {x} Current Clothes: jeans, a black tshirt, and a two buck polyester black shirt
    {x} Current Mood: anxious yet ironically excited
    {x} Current Taste: menthol smokes, bleck...hate loathe and despise my one bad habit
    {x} Current Hair: purple and black...for the moment
    {x} Current Annoyance: sucky music
    {x} Current Smell: books
    {x} Current thing you ought to be doing: homework
    {x} Current Desktop Picture: blue nothingness
    {x} Current Favorite Group: tsunami bomb
    {x} Current Book: hitchhiker guide to the galaxy
    {x} Current DVD In Player: robin williams live
    {x} Current Refreshment: nada
    {x} Current Worry: my home life
    {x} Current Crush: he knows who
    {x} Current Favorite Celebrity: john cusack

    Favorite...
    {x} Food: thai
    {x} Drink: iced tea
    {x} Color: black
    {x} Shoes: skate shoes, yet i don't skate
    {x} Candy: any thing sweet works for me
    {x} TV Show: no cable...so static
    {x} Movie: clockwork orange
    {x} Dance: break
    {x} Vegetable: peas
    {x} Fruit: nectarines or peaches

    On Dating...
    {x} Long or short hair? short
    {x} Dark or blonde hair? blonde
    {x} Tall or short? tall, but it's moot
    {x} Mr./Ms. Sensitive or Mr./Ms. Funny? funny
    {x} Good boy/girl or bad boy/girl? looks bad, but has a good heart
    {x} Dark or light eyes? doesn't matter

    {x} Hat or no hat? hat
    {x} Pierced or no? pierced
    {x} Rugged outdoorsy type or sporty type? sporty

    What's your favorite...
    {x} Number? 8
    {x} Holiday? halloween
    {x} Radio station? don't listen to the radio
    {x} Place? dark alley
    {x} Scent? pi
    {x} If you could be anywhere, where would you be? ireland...or london. basically far away
    {x} What would you be doing? reading
    {x} What are you listening to right now? doors that need to be oiled
    {x} Can you do anything freakish with your body? i hurt my hip but i could do the splits
    {x} Do you have a favorite animal? penguins, but right now my cat trixie
    Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
    12:32 pm
    Well this sucks...
    Some how i knew it was all too...some adjective that i can't think of right now. I was just reading his lj and it hit me... he doesn't really like me. at least not like i like him. in some sick way i think i already knew that, just the way we talk and talk about stuff that you really shouldn't talk about with your girlfriend. like his ex's and his being in love. in the back of my mind i knew he was still in love with her...even bonnie said something about it, but being bonnie, i ignored it. and now i know that may have been a mistake. Kara!...i need your guidance, you know him better than i do and i'm worried...help?
    12:14 pm
    Your Homocidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
    Your name:
    Weapon of Choice:Desert Eagle .50
    Your Favorite Target:Men
    Your Kill Count:1,550,931,426
    Your Battle Cry:"My kidneys tingle with pleasure!"
    Years You Spend in Jail:40
    How Much Money In Damages You Cause:$64,670,294,013,352
    Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 92%
    Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!
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